Crying at the sight of a Uhaul full of dreams

It has been almost three months since the Uhaul pulled out of my driveway.  I managed to keep my smile until I could no longer see the car and trailer.  I had forced a smile and promised myself "no tears" on this exciting day--my youngest heading out on a great adventure.  But sobs racked my body as I stumbled up the stairs and fell into the recliner where I call on my Father every morning.

"How will my heart handle TWO of my sons being 5 states away?" I cried out.  Only the cats were here to hear me, but I mumbled out my questions anyway. "I don't want an empty nest!"  The quiet house just confirmed my despair.

But then, despite my sobbing, a still, small voice...."What did you ask me for when they were young and rowdy?" That they would be friends, my spirit answered.  "And what is the image now being played out in your head?"  Two brothers packed up to live together as young adult bachelors!  You did answer me!  "And what other requests did you make for them?"  My sobs were being quieted now.  That they would be independent young adults who knew and trusted you.  "Have I answered your prayers?"  Yes Lord. And in my rational brain I was excited for him to have a great adventure far from home, just like my parents had allowed for me as a young adult.  I knew in my head it was what I wanted for him.  But, oh my heart was aching.

And then He ended my pity party abrubtly. "Don't you have Kingdom work to do?  Get up and get busy."  And it has been a busy three months!  Sometimes the house is still MUCH too quiet.  And I look forward to their long phone calls full of the latest exploits.  But my task now is to be a prayer warrior for them each day.  And it is a good task.  My role has changed, but it is vital.  I remember one of the losses I felt so deeply at my mother's death was knowing that my greatest intercessor was now gone.

That little Uhaul trailer carried their dreams into the southwest and was the symbol of my final child successfully launched.  But I have a new role to adjust to now and it is precious as well. Grandmother......

Available

it is always a part of my prayers "I am yours to use today in any way you choose, Lord.".  Some days I think He has appointments for me in my tasks as a church staff person, or on others perhaps as a friend or family member.  And then there are days like today when I am at home......alone.....and sick.  I will likely see only my husband and have few, if any phone conversations since I have bronchitis.

But I am still His to do with as He directs. To school me.  To test me.  To reveal to me something new. To review something I thought I already knew. Most biblical characters we see for only a short burst of their lives. During the other countless days God was schooling them--building character, refining lessons, teaching through difficulties and even life's pains. Elizabeth suffered quietly waiting on God through years of barrenness. Yet her recorded words in Luke 1:43 are "But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?". No wonder Mary stayed with this wise cousin as she awaited the changing of her own life!

So today is not wasted.  On this ordinary day, my response needs to be that of Mary in Luke 1:38, " I am the Lord's servant. "

No memories

I have absolutely no memories of April 12 or April 13, 2011. The evening before I had been rushed to two different hospital Emergency Departments in two different ambulances. These trips were not on my calendar and I did not even request them. On both of those days I had surgeries on my brain without being on the schedule.  I was assigned an awesome surgeon without doing research online about him. I was given a bed in Neuro ICU at North Carolina's Baptist Hospital and treated like an honored guest.  The nurses who cared for me were kind and gentle, even when I complained.  My family and friends came from great distance just to see me although I wasn't able to entertain them.

People at my church covered my jobs without complaining and the children prayed earnestly for me to improve and be able to return to church. All of this while I was unconscious. People also sat with my husband and sons during hours of waiting to see if I would even recognize them when I woke up. These dear ones used their God-given gifts to comfort, pray, and encourage. Some were shocked when they finally saw me since my surgeon had shaved my head (poorly by the way) and had slit my throat without even asking!  My face was swollen, one eye sagging. I looked rough! That alone slayed my vanity!

But God used all of this and 21 days in ICU WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF BED to prove to me something I studied in 1997 in Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby.  God is always at work around me.  He cared for my needs and sent His children to be His Hands and Feet.  I have never felt more loved.
And as Jesus reminded us in John 9:3  "...this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his (her) life." 

I still see and meet people who say with astonishment "You are a walking miracle. We prayed for you every day. God is so good." My life was not the only one touched.  God was at work all around. And we all marvel at God's plan to allow me to resume my life after a three month "rest." (another lesson: how to rest) I saw love in action through visits, cards, meals, prayers, phone calls, and tender smiles. Never doubt that God knows your needs and can meet them through the simple acts of His children. I have no memories. But never fear. He never sleeps (Psalm 121)

A Sharpened Perspective from a traumatized Brain

two months ago today many things in my life changed.  I am grateful to God that my life was built on a rock, a fortress that NEVER changes--Jesus Christ.
tim and I are so grateful for the support and love of our church family and friends over the last two months.  You stood in the gap to pray while I was unconscious  and prayed for strength for Tim and our sons.  Through God's mercy even with a bleeding anuerysm and two more discovered, I never had a stroke. Thus my recovery at home over the past five weeks has been from brain trauma and difficulties from 3weeks of being immobile in Intensive Care at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center.  50,000 people die in the US every year from  traumatic brain injury so I have a new thankfulness for awakening to each new day.  

One of our verses from our church's summer session scriptures this week spoke anew to me. Matthew 6:34. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."
We need your prayers for wisdom as we consult with the neurological team at Baptist next week to assess my progress.  I appreciate so many simple things that we easily take for granted:  a hot shower, walking, driving, eating.   There may be things I will never be able to do again-- but the things that really matter, I have not lost. my previous post wondered about this year. God is still on the throne!

 A grateful  gaylin

Renewed focus

I have had about as much success making resolutions as I have blogging on a regular basis. So it came to me this year that it may be more advantagous for me to think of the new year in terms of my overall focus. So here we are on the first day of a new year, taking measure of where we stand and I want a renewed focus this year on things that are unseen.

A quote from Al Bryant on those who walk by faith "they think visible things to be of small value, because they pass away like a dream; but on the contrary they account invisible things to be of high value because they will never pass away."

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title-deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality--faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." The Amplified Bible

I keep reading Hebrews 11 to be inspired. Instead I must determine to copy their faith by starting with the truths God has revealed and making them my standard-- not looking at my experience as the standard. I do not know what this year holds. And I will likely have experiences this year which I will be tempted to misread. I must stay focused on what I
cannot see--God's unconditional love for me, His promises, His providence, His grace. That is where I must stand to view my life and my experiences in 2011. God, enhance my spiritual vision this new year!

So I have great anticipation of a new year armed with Hebrews 11 and Colossians 3:1-3
"...keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

Learning to RELISH

I have been practicing the art of RELEASE all this year-- especially with my sons. First Ryan left for the military, and now Kevin is in Africa for the summer.  The dictionary makes it sound like a simple thing: release--to set at liberty.  It sounds like what I want to do, but my mother's heart resists.  It reminds me of the day of Nate's wedding when I said to another  parent  "it's hard to give up my oldest son."  "But you don't have to give him up!" was his response.   I knew that this parent didn't understand that to set someone free is to step out of the driver's seat in his life.  It is to relinquish the role of molder of his character and FINALLY admit by my actions that he is God's child and no longer "my" child.  It was always true; yet I clung to the role of #1 director in the drama of his life.  Release for me has been a gradual thing; I must often pry my fingers off the object of my love. I am now learning to be a friend to my sons; one who accepts, celebrates, loves and gives advice only when asked.  That's quite a change when you have been in a parent role for 27 years!!!

Now that my children are grown I cannot demand to be the first place they will turn for care when they hurt or advice when they struggle.  As they marry, I abdicate that role so they can create a new bond with their spouse.  It must be prominent if their marriage is to be healthy. If my sons are to be strong and confident men I must decline to make choices for them. I am no longer to interpret for them what the bible teaches, or what God wants from them.  They must learn to hear His voice for themselves.  I must move out of the way and release them to discover His wonderful plans for their lives.  God's creativity and love cause to pale any plans I may have dreamed for my children or myself!

So, my new word is RELISH--to regard with great pleasure or approval.  I am so blessed to have lived long enough to see all my sons develop a personal relationship with Christ whom I also love and serve. I can enjoy and celebrate their lives as believers and find a new freedom in serving Him myself as we all release to Him our expectations of what our lives "should be" and follow His lead into the future He has envisioned for us!

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11  The Message

A military Family

We are now a military family.  When I hear the word "troops" now I understand that means someone's son or husband or father.  I listen carefully to the news because the world situation now affects my son's life.  For the next 6 years he will have to ask permission to come home, or travel far from his assigned base. He will move wherever in the world he is assigned.   He has willingly committed himself to serve his country; to provide for my safety and yours.  I miss him, but I am proud.

I have a new understanding of mothers across the centuries whose sons have left to serve their country or a cause.  It is a mix of sadness and pride.

Every day this week my son Ryan reported for duty in his uniform to an Air Force Commander.  He isn't always sure from day to day what will be required of him.  He only knows he will do whatever he is asked to do"as a good soldier".

II Timothy 2:3
"Endure hardship with us like a good solider of Christ Jesus."

This verse reminds me of my service too.  I willingly follow Christ, not knowing from day to day what will be required of me.  I have staked everything on my King, my Commander Jesus Christ.  Hardship? Sadness?  I accept it all for the joy of  knowing HIM!

Measuring the past 10 years

Ten years ago this weekend I packed up my 3 children and all our worldly goods--and 2 cats--and moved over 200 miles to Thomasville.  I left my dream job and some awesome friends for the good of my children; and because God told me to.

Isaiah 30:19b "How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.  Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you , saying, "this is the way; walk in it."

For me it was EXACTLY like that.  It was scary and overwhelming, but clear that it was God's path for us.  Every test of proof I asked for God answered.  The new job had to pay our moving expenses.  DONE.  I had to move before second semester of high school started for Nate.  DONE.  I had to find a rental house in the school district I wanted for the boys.  DONE.  The job had to equal my current salary.  DONE.

So we moved on a COLD night in January, the holiday weekend. The plan was to follow the movers who left in the afternoon, but who is every really finished moving out on time???  So with a couple of great friends help we were finally ready to leave, but in the dark. 

The test of my faith came after 10:00 pm when I heard that awful bump, bump, bump of a flat tire in the middle of nowhere sandhills NCarolina.  When AAA travel club informed me by phone that they would NOT come to help me (DON"T ASK ME THIS STORY UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR EMOTION!) my faith was in the pits.

That's when the miracle started and God showed me what was in store for our cold little family.  Ryan, the 12 year old announced that he could change the tire.  He took over, told all of us what to do and he and his brothers changed that tire even with the car packed full of stuff and got us back on the road.

In these 10 years God has turned that sullen pre-teen into a 2nd Lieutennant in the US Air Force.  He turned my teenage music groupie into a Worship Leader/Song writer.  He turned an angry 8 year old into a young man with Africa on his heart.  And proved to this mom over and over in 8 years of single parenting that He would direct my path.

That's alot!  No wonder the term decade sounds so impressive!  And what God can do with our lives when we follow HIS direction....that is immearsurable.

Dream BIG

Five years ago I sat down with a financial planner and paid for an analysis of my situation and a plan to make sure my 3 sons could somehow get through college. I was single, making it on a salary from a non-profit (no bonuses, little hope of advancement). On paper the numbers didn't promise much at all, my net worth was near zero.

Then Rick, the planner asked me an amazing question: "What other dreams do you have that we need to put in the plan?" I had been single for 7 years and realized all my dreams had died. It was a sad place to be as a Christian. I was surviving, but definitely not dreaming. I had clung to my faith on a daily basis, but had stopped looking ahead. Dreams? None.

Later as I found time to think I realized I did have a dream: That my family would have an opportunity to leave our country and see what God was doing outside of the US. I thrilled to read about what God was doing in Korea and around the globe. Churches that were on fire for Christ and missionaries that were seeing people of all nations responding to the gospel. It was a BIG dream for me with no financial resources to see it happen. I called Rick and he included it in my overall plan. The plan said that with a specific savings plan I could fund a trip by 2010 (the planning folks didn't know about the current economic downturn!) I never was able to open that specific savings account.

But God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Later that very year Ryan went to Honduras with our church and heard the people there sing so beautifully to our savior. He came back changed. His joy as he leads worship now is reflective of that experience! Nate has been to Canada and Europe; and this summer Kevin went to Kenya. The poverty Kevin saw there will color all his studies as a Business Major as he begins his college experience.

In five short years my dream has already been realized! It wasn't on the "books" as possible and we didn't all go on the same trip, but God was gracious to hear that dream in a struggling mother's heart and proved to me that He can do anything! Dream big for your children's spiritual lives and ask God if it can be in HIS PLAN!

"These are a few of my favorite (summer) things"

1. Cantaloupe, peaches and homegrown tomatoes
2. Summer Camp (especially at Fort Caswell)
3. Sitting on a beach in the sun
4. Diving into a pool on a hot day
5. Lying on a float in a lake with nothing to do
6. Reading a great novel
7. Listening to crickets singing outside just before I go to sleep
8. A fruit smoothie for lunch
9. Early morning fog
10. The breeze just before a summer storm

What are your top 10?

The mission field of Public schools

After 20 years of having a child in North Carolina Public Schools I am finished!!!! My youngest, Kevin, graduated from high school on June 13th. What a great day for him--and me!!!

I have lots of friends who do not choose to send their children to public schools. I am grateful that our country affords us such a choice. As a single mom for 8 of those 20 years public schools was my only option. But looking back I still think it was the right choice for my 3 sons.

The oldest has finished his degree at a state university, and entered college prepared and confident with his public school diploma. He learned the basics of music--his passion-- in middle school and had roles in multiple dramas in high school exploring his love of the arts.

My second son graduates in AUGUST from a different state university. He was a part of the Junior ROTC in high school, which led him to choose a college with ROTC. He learned wonderful leadership skills from admirable military veterans and was positively impacted by them. He will be commissioned into the Air Force as soon as he graduates. He took art in school and found a hidden talent with pen and ink that I hope he will yet find time to explore.

Kevin followed the sports options in school. He sweated in August on a football field and ran the bleachers when he thought he could not. He did it to be on the team. He did it out of respect for the coach. He played basketball for the love of the game and learned from coaches to manage anger with opponents and with himself. He learned that being part of a team means you sometimes sit on the bench!

Public schools allowed them these opportunities.

But more than that all three boys learned that people are vastly different. They learned to work with other children and teens with whom they did not agree. They learned to make new friends and let go of some friends. They learned that every teacher did not find them to be awesome (that's what I had always told them they were!), but that they could still learn from and respect that teacher. They learned that to live in communities you sometimes limit your own freedoms. They learned there are consequences for bucking the system--and times when that is still the right choice!

They learned to converse with people who had totally different family backgrounds and beliefs than our family. They studied evolution and realized that some people actually believe that stuff. They were around students who chose alcohol and sex as entertainment, but they chose not to follow that path. They observed habits and lifestyles that were self destructive and learned to call it what it was.

They learned that home is still the place you will always be welcomed and loved, no matter what kind of day you have had. They also learned the value of a Christian's understanding and compassion when they realized they had a Christian teacher, or school staff person, coach, or a friend. The light of Christ shines brightly in our Christian teachers and in Christian students who meet at the pole, or after school.

Thank you, Chrisitan teachers and students. You make a difference in the mission field that is American public schools! Keep shining!!

Now....four more years with a state university......God, be with us!

Mother's Day

I remember the drill. Panic over presents. Panic over big meals to celebrate. My mom usually wanted to come and stay with us for an extended weekend and be entertained for Mother's Day. I will admit now that I sometimes dreaded all the extra stress that brought. She was also difficult to buy for, as she bought whatever she wanted for herself. When she came to visit on mother's day she was the queen.

This Mother's Day I would give anything just to hear her voice, see her smile and sing beside her in church on Sunday. I also miss the tradition we had over the last 10 years to plant flowers together on this weekend. So, I'll plant my flowers and picture her in the gardens of heaven, smiling and singing.

This weekend love the mom God gave you.....while you can.

"The heritage of those who fear your name..."

I am awed at the words that David wrote in Psalm 61 some 3,000 years ago. They are words that echoed the cry of my soul also on some of my life's most difficult days. Word pictures that helped me to hold on to God.

Verses 1-3: Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,

(the beach is the end of the earth, right???)

I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher
than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the
foe."

Psalm 61:5 "For you have heard my vows, O God; you have
given me the heritage of those who fear your name."

And this cry from verse 5 was also on my lips--a prayer for my children from a broken home to come to God; to devote their lives to Christ; to give their all for the Kingdom of God.

Too many people today think of heritage as wealth or property passed from generation to generation. I know my parents wanted to "leave me something", and they did. They were people of faith and lived out their lives faithful to God till the end. I have the sure faith that they live eternally in heaven. That is the heritage I pass on to my children. I go back to that cry from scripture that my children will hold fast to God's hand when their difficult days come, when they need a strong tower. I believe that their faith can grow deeper and stronger than mine. That God will lead them to places I have not yet seen, and multiply their influence for the building of the kingdom of God. God is allowing me today to see that happening in their young adult lives. It is a gift; an answer to my cries from 10 years ago.

Your children may be young. But it is not to early to pass on to them your stories of faith and your prayers, that they will follow your heritage of honoring Christ whatever comes and that they will choose to invest their all for His Kingdom.

Easter reflection and invitation

Easter is always a holy day for me. Resurrection is a keystone of my faith. The message of easter is true year-round, but to celebrate Easter is to reflect on how my faith is a story of my relationship with someone who is alive. I don't follow a historical figure--I have a growing spiritual journey with a God who understands what it means to be human, and is alive to walk with me every day I live!!!

Every year at Easter that truth is magnified again for me. And I don't want the resurrection truth to just be a one day event, so I look forward to it --- for weeks! To think about Christ's sufferings for humankind, his betrayal, his love and forgiveness poured out for those who beat and humiliated him causes wonder in my heart. I have heard it every year, yet I hear it as new again.

Easter is about losing life to find life; offering forgiveness for the undeserving; going through death as the doorway to new life. Easter is faith, hope and love. What words do you use to describe what Easter means in your life?

Puzzled? HOPE lives!

I love puzzles! I like soduku and jigsaws and computer timed puzzles too! Unlike my friend JS I find them relaxing. One reason may be that I remember as a child that our family often pulled them out of the closet during snows or in the summer during afternoon rain storms at the lake. It was something we could do as a family and often we would do the large ones and leave them out for a week or so until we finished. I've had some awesome moments already this month working on puzzles with some of our kids at church! We are using puzzles to talk about HOPE.

Here are some things I have learned about puzzles:
1) sometimes walking away is a good thing. Eye strain and brain strain dictate a break! And so often after walking away you can come back and the very piece you searched in vain for earlier will be the first thing you see upon returning! It is as though your brain actually worked on finding it while you were away!

2)Things can change fast. I have often looked for what I was sure was a dark blue piece to finally try an indigo piece that was an exact fit. When it comes to hues and blends one can't always know how quickly things can lighten (or darken) up!

3) The picture on the box is not always in proportion to the puzzle. "But the building is taller! It's not time for sky yet!" I have often been perplexed when the picture doesn't meet my expectations. It can be a source of anger for me!!! The only solution is to keep working it out!

Puzzles are frequently like my life experiences. I need to walk away from frustrating situations to get perspective. Some good sleep can often helped me see the solution I formerly missed.

Often, just when I think things will never change--light breaks through. God often surprises me with a beautiful color I didn't expect.

And my expectations can keep me from seeing the answers right in front of me. God is not limited by my expectations. My limited vision is in stark contrast to His creativity.

God promises that He is at work around us--we just aren't always in tune with the colors with which He chooses to paint. Or we are looking too hard for what WE expect. I am relearning Romans 8:28 which I summarize in my brain as "We KNOW....God works for the GOOD..."

love gifts

A mother's journey of 25 years

1st Child--It was 25 years ago today you were "due" to arrive
After 2 "false starts" to the hospital you finally came 10 days later; some of the longest days of my life!
Everything was amazing and documented in your life--there are loads of pictures and notations of every "first" thing you did
We were learning together you and I; my life totally adjusting to your needs
I saw myself as your protector
Adults were your role models; you were always watching and copying me
Through the years your path has expanded with many friends to learn from and travel with

2nd child--Your life was barely announced, then snuffed out
There was silent pain, not well understood but never forgotten

3rd child--Your birth was easy as soft snow fell in the early morning hours
Your brother was fascinated with you and he was the model you followed after
I was a mom of experience now and didn't push you to perform or be perfect
The pictures were fewer, but your birth position was probably easier
You may have been compared to another, but you always proved your uniqueness
With you I was trying to be Supermom--work, home,church, sports, clubs, travel-- always in a rush
You've always dreamed big, but you knew where home was

4th child--Your life here was a slow loss
There was painful knowledge that your future here was questionable
So sure you were my daughter it was a desperately sad time and too often it was an unspoken sadness

5th child--Your arrival was joy! You were the center of all attention
Yet it was you who did the adjusting to life in a busy family
I had the experience to let you be yourself; to struggle, fail and get back up
There were hectic times and yet now I knew how to build in times to relax as well
You always had to share my time and there was guilt for me with that
But you have kept me young, still make me smile and laugh and teach me much
I have let you see more of my limitations

To each of you I had differing gifts to offer. Yet to each of you I gave my best in love.
Yet all I have given is unmatched by the richness your lives have woven into the weaving of my life, and continue to blend into the stories I both share and silently treasure. To be a mom, is a gift of immense joy.

Preschool Training

Here are the details for January 25th's Preschool Training.
4:30-6:00pm, Lower Level Preschool Area, Multi-Purpose Building
(Training is for current teachers and hopefully a whole bunch of new ones, especially parents who are currently not serving in any other area of ministry on Sunday AM's.)
Email Gaylin at gaylinstewart@northstate.net
or Bob James at bjames@northstate.net

Christmas Eve with the family

A New Year, not a totally clean slate

Reflecting on 2008 I see many blessings and opportunities I had to grow spiritually. Some lessons I have had to relearn, recycle, review; God takes me through remediation with Him often. There are spiritual truths that I can quickly state--but struggle to live out. This year gives me a new year to live out my faith--but it's never a clean slate; there's too much I have already learned!

I want to brag on my hubby Tim, because one of the great reminders about my priorities came through my husband's unselfish action at Christmas. He asked everyone in our family to invest the money that would usually buy him a gift into helping someone else or donating to a worthy cause. Because of that here's how the world is a better place: donations were given to a ministry to the homeless in Charlotte, NC; money was given to TOMS SHOES helping provide shoes to people in third world countries; a gift given to support the International Justice Mission that rescues victims of violent opression around the world; a gift to aid in the providing of fresh water in Africa; and two gifts to ministry in Kenya. One person's unselfish act can make a difference! This year I want to be that kind of unselfish person! THANKS TS

All I really want for Christmas is....

A teenager (TJ) asked me Sunday what I wanted for Christmas. I sounded like my grandma when I said "I just want all my children back at home for the holiday." But that is truly my wish for Christmas--and I will have it for Christmas eve!! Upon further reflection I also REALLY want a fireplace and a true wood fire to curl up beside late on Christmas day. That one will have to wait!!! Christmas is truly about those we love...but a gal can dream!!!! Love to you all! Merry Christmas!