Crying at the sight of a Uhaul full of dreams

It has been almost three months since the Uhaul pulled out of my driveway.  I managed to keep my smile until I could no longer see the car and trailer.  I had forced a smile and promised myself "no tears" on this exciting day--my youngest heading out on a great adventure.  But sobs racked my body as I stumbled up the stairs and fell into the recliner where I call on my Father every morning.

"How will my heart handle TWO of my sons being 5 states away?" I cried out.  Only the cats were here to hear me, but I mumbled out my questions anyway. "I don't want an empty nest!"  The quiet house just confirmed my despair.

But then, despite my sobbing, a still, small voice...."What did you ask me for when they were young and rowdy?" That they would be friends, my spirit answered.  "And what is the image now being played out in your head?"  Two brothers packed up to live together as young adult bachelors!  You did answer me!  "And what other requests did you make for them?"  My sobs were being quieted now.  That they would be independent young adults who knew and trusted you.  "Have I answered your prayers?"  Yes Lord. And in my rational brain I was excited for him to have a great adventure far from home, just like my parents had allowed for me as a young adult.  I knew in my head it was what I wanted for him.  But, oh my heart was aching.

And then He ended my pity party abrubtly. "Don't you have Kingdom work to do?  Get up and get busy."  And it has been a busy three months!  Sometimes the house is still MUCH too quiet.  And I look forward to their long phone calls full of the latest exploits.  But my task now is to be a prayer warrior for them each day.  And it is a good task.  My role has changed, but it is vital.  I remember one of the losses I felt so deeply at my mother's death was knowing that my greatest intercessor was now gone.

That little Uhaul trailer carried their dreams into the southwest and was the symbol of my final child successfully launched.  But I have a new role to adjust to now and it is precious as well. Grandmother......

Learning to RELISH

I have been practicing the art of RELEASE all this year-- especially with my sons. First Ryan left for the military, and now Kevin is in Africa for the summer.  The dictionary makes it sound like a simple thing: release--to set at liberty.  It sounds like what I want to do, but my mother's heart resists.  It reminds me of the day of Nate's wedding when I said to another  parent  "it's hard to give up my oldest son."  "But you don't have to give him up!" was his response.   I knew that this parent didn't understand that to set someone free is to step out of the driver's seat in his life.  It is to relinquish the role of molder of his character and FINALLY admit by my actions that he is God's child and no longer "my" child.  It was always true; yet I clung to the role of #1 director in the drama of his life.  Release for me has been a gradual thing; I must often pry my fingers off the object of my love. I am now learning to be a friend to my sons; one who accepts, celebrates, loves and gives advice only when asked.  That's quite a change when you have been in a parent role for 27 years!!!

Now that my children are grown I cannot demand to be the first place they will turn for care when they hurt or advice when they struggle.  As they marry, I abdicate that role so they can create a new bond with their spouse.  It must be prominent if their marriage is to be healthy. If my sons are to be strong and confident men I must decline to make choices for them. I am no longer to interpret for them what the bible teaches, or what God wants from them.  They must learn to hear His voice for themselves.  I must move out of the way and release them to discover His wonderful plans for their lives.  God's creativity and love cause to pale any plans I may have dreamed for my children or myself!

So, my new word is RELISH--to regard with great pleasure or approval.  I am so blessed to have lived long enough to see all my sons develop a personal relationship with Christ whom I also love and serve. I can enjoy and celebrate their lives as believers and find a new freedom in serving Him myself as we all release to Him our expectations of what our lives "should be" and follow His lead into the future He has envisioned for us!

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11  The Message

love gifts

A mother's journey of 25 years

1st Child--It was 25 years ago today you were "due" to arrive
After 2 "false starts" to the hospital you finally came 10 days later; some of the longest days of my life!
Everything was amazing and documented in your life--there are loads of pictures and notations of every "first" thing you did
We were learning together you and I; my life totally adjusting to your needs
I saw myself as your protector
Adults were your role models; you were always watching and copying me
Through the years your path has expanded with many friends to learn from and travel with

2nd child--Your life was barely announced, then snuffed out
There was silent pain, not well understood but never forgotten

3rd child--Your birth was easy as soft snow fell in the early morning hours
Your brother was fascinated with you and he was the model you followed after
I was a mom of experience now and didn't push you to perform or be perfect
The pictures were fewer, but your birth position was probably easier
You may have been compared to another, but you always proved your uniqueness
With you I was trying to be Supermom--work, home,church, sports, clubs, travel-- always in a rush
You've always dreamed big, but you knew where home was

4th child--Your life here was a slow loss
There was painful knowledge that your future here was questionable
So sure you were my daughter it was a desperately sad time and too often it was an unspoken sadness

5th child--Your arrival was joy! You were the center of all attention
Yet it was you who did the adjusting to life in a busy family
I had the experience to let you be yourself; to struggle, fail and get back up
There were hectic times and yet now I knew how to build in times to relax as well
You always had to share my time and there was guilt for me with that
But you have kept me young, still make me smile and laugh and teach me much
I have let you see more of my limitations

To each of you I had differing gifts to offer. Yet to each of you I gave my best in love.
Yet all I have given is unmatched by the richness your lives have woven into the weaving of my life, and continue to blend into the stories I both share and silently treasure. To be a mom, is a gift of immense joy.